If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
