Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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