On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
