I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
