Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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