Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He did a backflip because drugs
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
