I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
