I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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