we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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