Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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