just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
