Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
