the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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