But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize