respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
