its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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