in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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