I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
