Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
