apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
