i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
