He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
