I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
