We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
