By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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