You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize