My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
