I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
