yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
