Christians are straight up FREAKS
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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