I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
