Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
