You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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