She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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