Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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