We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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