Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
