I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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