A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
