I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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