You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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