I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
