Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
