i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
