We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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