I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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