Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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