I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
