He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dicks are not precious.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
