i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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