So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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