I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
