Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
