my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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