Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize