My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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