I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
