So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it's like heaven, but drunker
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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