So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
