Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
